Bearmageddon

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Scientists Admit Genetically Engineered Grizzly Boar Was Mistake

Aug01
by Ethan on August 1, 2016 at 6:57 pm
Posted In: News, Uncategorized

Creature commissioned by billionaire for big game hunt kills all and is now at large 

By Ethan Nicolle
August 1, 2016 9:45 a.m. PT

MONTANA—A billionaire paid scientists to combine the DNA of a wild boar and a grizzly bear to create the ulimate big game hunt. “The money would have done so much for our school,” said one scientist. All involved wished to remain unnamed. “But it was a mistake. We knew that the moment the thing started breathing and trying to kill everyone.”

The scientists were not willing to go into details about how they created the hybrid and have since burned the lab to the ground and gone into witness protection, quitting science forever. The creature itself went wild from the moment it breathed its first breath. They released the creature into a 300 acre property, surrounded by electric fences, where the billionaire client led a hunting party to hunt and kill the beast. But that isn’t what happened.

“Everybody died,” the scientist claims. The grizzly boar charge through the grounds and impaled the rich hunters, one after the other, on its sharp tusks. Though it was shot a few times, the creature seemed to have no problem absorbing bullets.

It also had no issue with being electrocuted. When the hybrid found the electric fence, it ripped posts up with its tusks and escaped. The animal remains at large and is being pursued at a very safe distance.

 

efaceEthan Nicolle August 1, 2016 
Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them
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Rangers, sent to euthanize bear who killed officers after it killed some other rangers set to euthanize it for killing campers, killed by bear

Jul28
by Ethan on July 28, 2016 at 6:24 pm
Posted In: News, Uncategorized

A 1,892 lb grizzly bear was set to be euthanized again onWednesday, days after it killed an entire department of police officers who attempted to shoot it after it killed the last rangers who were trying to euthanize it for killing several campers in the Angelica National Forest above Altadente, officials said. But the small army of rangers who were assigned the task of euthanizing the bear this time were also slain as soon as they tried. The bear’s known body count is now 73.

The bear was found about 12 hours after a string of campground attacks last Saturday, and was walking casually, leaving a trail of blood and entrails south of Millgard Campground said Chuck Dinkler spokesman for the Department of Fish and Wildlife.

Fish and Wildlife officials shot tranquilizers into the bear and took it to a nearby facility, where authorities worked to determine whether it was the same ursine that killed nearly 40 campers.

Biologists took saliva, feces, hair and fiber samples from the bear and compared those with evidence collected at the campsites, he said. The department’s Wildlife Forensics Laboratory works to identify bears involved in human attacks by sampling their saliva and hair left at the scene.

Because the nearly 5-year-old bear killed campers, Fish and Wildlife officials decided to euthanize the animal based on the risk posed to public safety.

But the moment they attempted to euthanize the bear, it tore free from the operating table and killed everyone in the building, then escaped. The police were called, but every officer sent to the scene, even though in large numbers, were also slain as they attempted to chase the bear through the forest.

“At one point the bear had come out onto highway 7 and was being pursued by six police vehicles,” said Sergeant Morin of the Altadente police department. “But when one of the cruisers tried to ram the bear, the vehicle flipped and caused a pile up. The bear ate everyone.”

With no police left in the area, 19 rangers from out of state who specialized in animal euthanizations were brought in on a bus. The team was dispatched into the forest Wednesday and their remains were found Thursday morning.

“It was bad luck for the rangers and bad luck for the boys in blue,” he said. “And then also bad luck for the other rangers.”

According to the Fish and Wildlife Department, “habituated bears are not candidates for moving and shall either be humanely euthanized or placed with a permitted animal care facility upon failure of the corrective measures.” The grizzly who has yet to be euthanized was deemed unfit to be placed in animal care early in the investigation. Officials said the public-safety risk was incredibly high and that euthanization was the only option. Despite losing several rangers, Fish and Wildlife says they will continue their attempts to euthanize the creature.

The decision has not been made about who will be sent next. “Whoever we send next will probably die too,” said Dinkler, “that’s just the risk that comes with the job.”

 

efaceEthan Nicolle July 28, 2016 
Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them
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└ Tags: euthanized, news, rangers
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check your privilege bear

‘Bearspreading’ Can’t Be Stopped

Jul19
by Ethan on July 19, 2016 at 10:57 pm
Posted In: News

Bears spreading their legs into others’ space is taking place on public transport systems all over the world, especially with the sudden and mysterious rise in the bear population. It takes many forms, ranging from a slight invasion of someone else’s personal space, to what ends in a complete public mauling. “Bearspreading” is the now official term, and despite a campaign and tons of nagging and bickering on social media to end it, nobody had been able to do a damn thing to stop bears from sitting however the hell they want to.

Signs reading “Bears…stop the spread” have been rolled out on train and metro carriages across the city as part of an effort to improve bear train etiquette. The signs have been ripped to pieces and soiled with bear excrement. “I don’t know why we wasted money on those signs. Bears can’t read,” said subway operator Juan Costanza.

Regardless of campaigns and hurt feelings, bears haven’t changed the way they sit and in fact have taken to exaggerating their spread whenever possible as if they mean to aggravate the other passenger intentionally. “Real ornery creatures,” commented one passenger who had to sit and try not to breathe in the toxic smell of the bear’s open hind parts all the way from Staten Island to Times Square. Last week, when subway officials tried to confront a nearly 2000 pound grizzly who was bearspreading during the morning rush, several were injured and nine died in the outlash that ensued.

“Our official policy is to just leave the bears alone from now on. We can’t afford to keep losing people over this,” said NY subway CEO Marvin Finklehearst. “If you don’t like the exposed bear groins, don’t ride the subway.”

 

efaceEthan Nicolle July 19, 2016 
Ethan Nicolle does not ride subways, but he does ride airplanes, and he wonders if there is a difference between manspreading and obesespreading. He is author and illustrator of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them.

 

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Should have tried death metal

Band Plays Music for Bears, Mauled to Death

Jul18
by Ethan on July 18, 2016 at 10:54 pm
Posted In: News

Graphic Video Depicts Horn Band Being Mauled by Bears

Who knew bears despised trombone music so much?

In this graphic video (which has been banned and deleted from the internet) these five musicians manage to attract an entire sleuth of bears who maul them and devour them, then tear their instruments to pieces, then eat them piece by piece. At one point in the video a bear can be seen collecting the soupy remains of one of the musician into the bell of the tuba, then blowing into it, showering the other bears in blood. For obvious reasons, the video is no longer available.

The same group had been recorded playing for cows earlier in the week. The cows enjoyed the music much more than the bears. According to the distraught manager of the band, they wanted to step it up a notch. “The bears were a bad idea. We now realize that,” he lamented.

Sorry guys, tough crowd I guess.

 

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stab stab stab stab stab

Bear VS Knife: What to do

Jul17
by Ethan on July 17, 2016 at 5:16 am
Posted In: News

Now you know.

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└ Tags: knife, survival, tips
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