San Diego, CA (BMGDN) — San Diego Zoo officials confirmed the zoo was placed on lock down moments after the new bearboon exhibit was opened. The raging hybrids breached their enclosure Saturday, maiming hundreds and killing at least ninety seven people. Many zoo animals were killed as well, including three hippos, all of the flamingos, and famed elephant TV star, Quentin Snuffly, best known for her role in car insurance commercials.

The zoo says the seven bearboons got out around 10:15am. Officials attempted to use sleeping darts to subdue the creatures, but the animals quickly stole the weapons and turned them on their captors. “I still can’t believe they actually killed three hippos” said one witness.

The main zoo remained on lockdown until zoo staff could secure the bearboons, which still hasn’t happened. “We may just have to cut our losses and bomb the zoo,” said zoo CEO Jonathan Donaldsmith.


The San Diego Zoo released the following statement.

“At approximately 10:15 a.m., our new bearboons breached their exhibit containment in the Zoo and gained access to Zoo grounds. The Zoo called for immediate lockdown of the Zoo which is our normal protocol. All surviving guests were moved to safety during the lockdown procedure. The Zoo’s Emergency Response Team went into immediate action to assess the situation, formulated a plan to tranquilize and secured the animal, then were killed. At approximately 11:30 a.m. we gave up all hope, locked ourselves out of the zoo, and now all we can do is stand outside and listen to the demonic screeches of the bearboons as they tear every animal limb from limb. The decision to combine baboon and bear DNA will be reviewed and the person responsible will be fired, if they are still alive. We will provide more details as they become available.”

This one's name is Julie.


UPDATE: The zoo is going to be bombed.



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