In what was intended to be one of the most touching reunions in the history of the internet, ursine biologists Eric Bagadoni and Ryan Anscum returned to the forest to seek out Hans, the grizzly bear they raised from a cub and released back into the wild three years prior. “We realize he is full grown now and could devour us in seconds,” said Anscum, “but just the chance that he will pounce on us in a loving embrace is worth the risk.” Bagadoni nodded in agreement, too choked up to speak.

At about 3:22 p.m. on Sunday the men spotted Hans in a clearing. They spoke softly to the bear who looked at them at first with confusion, then began to run at them. One witness described the scene saying, “the bear seemed confused, like, why are these two men inviting me to attack them?” The men stood with arms outspread, tears streaming down their faces, singing a song they used to sing Hans when he was a cub “fuzzy wuzzy was a bear”. But moments before it was apparent the bear was going to devour the men they turned and attempted an escape. Unfortunately they were too slow and Hans devoured both of them.

“We can’t say we’re completely surprised,” said lead camera man Scott Gatto, “that’s why we used high powered zoom lenses.”


Author of Bearmageddon, Axe Cop and the upcoming Dickinson Killdeer’s Guide to Bears of the Apocalypse: Ursine Abominations of the End Times and How to Defeat Them
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