Bearmageddon

BEECHWICK, WA — Despite the brand new installation of a “bear crossing” sign along highway 109 near the small town of Beechwick, motorists continue to drive right past it and straight to their death.

Not one car has survived and very few have chosen to stop and turn around the moment they see the sign, which clearly warns them of what is to come. “What part of bear do they not understand?” questioned Buck Squinty, commissioner of Beechwick’s Office of Emergency Management. The answer to that remains unclear.

“The sign is there because there are bears out there and people need to know what they’re getting themselves into. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve done our job,” said OEM Vice Chairmen Saundra Holmstead, throwing up her hands in frustration. “They’re probably texting.”

Funds for the sign were raised after beloved local Shriner clown Merl Wilkerson, also known as “Fergie D. Boudit” drove his miniature car in the area and was never seen again. “Everyone loved that clown,” said citizen Marla Snodgrass. “He always passed out nut zippers at the Veteran’s Day Parade despite his ongoing battle with gout.” To honor Wilkerson, many had gone to place flowers and clown paraphernalia where one of his little wheels had been laying. None returned. Others went to the same place to lay down memorials for those who had gone to remember Wilkerson and they, too were never heard from again. The local wildlife department went to investigate the spate of disappearances and they too went missing.

It wasn’t until months later that someone online noticed a satellite image of that stretch of road on Google Earth was covered in bears, bloodstains and the husks of vehicles. It was further discovered that the next town up highway 109, Greengill Hollow was completely decimated with no signs of any survivor whatsoever.

“A day later that portion of Google Earth was blacked out and I got a call from someone real high up the federal food chain,” Squinty said. “Do something about. That’s what they told me.”

In light of this, the OEM of Beechwick held a meeting and raised funds to have the sign installed last month. Despite it’s reflective surface, bright yellow color and bold, all caps block lettering, most cars still drive right past it as if it were a bush, or a small bird.

Squinty urged residents to stay safe and to hire a helicopter or drive the extra three hours the other direction to take a plane wherever you need to go. “A bear’s just an animal you don’t want to mess with,” he added. “They’re nasty things.”

If the mishaps persist, the city has flirted with the addition of a blinking yellow light on top of the sign. But that decision won’t be finalized until the next quarterly meeting takes a vote and funds are raised, which could take another year or two.

Officials strongly recommend not driving past the sign, no matter what, even though everyone will anyway.

Ethan Nicolle August 18, 2016 

Two skydivers died in a routine jump on Thursday in Oregon after their parachute turned out to be a bear, authorities said.

The accident took place near Roseburg, Oregon. Both were highly experienced and had never had a bear deploy from their parachute pack before.

Frank Klaus, owner of Droptown Parachute Land, told reporters that the two possessed a combined experience of 900 jumps.

Local police said that the moment the cord was pulled, a bear released. “We don’t know how long it had been in there, or how it survived,” one officer on the scene said. “But it was very hungry. It began eating the skydivers mid-plummet.”

“The cause of death was being eaten by a bear. They never even reached the ground,” Klaus told Oregon television station KPDK.

Experts say wind and other conditions were “perfect” when they made their jump. Other skydivers continued their jumps at the center after the incident, but examined ther parachutes closely to make sure none of them contained bears.

The Federal Aviation and Ursine Administrations are conducting joint investigations. With bear incidents on the rise, this is just another unfortunate occurrence in the ursine war on mankind.

Ethan Nicolle August 12, 2016