It has been a long held, but forgotten tradition of Bearmageddon, to give minor characters from the background their own bio on the Characters page. So, after a long while, here are three new ones.

aka Shaw

Wavy Blonde-haired Turtleneck Guy

Known as “Chaz” to his friends, Wavy Blonde-haired Turtleneck Guy is the son of a wealthy pencil eraser baron. His father made millions when he licensed the use of the famous 80’s cartoon character Marshmallow McGee into an eraser, and for three years the erasers became as popular as Troll dolls. Wavy Blonde-haired Turtleneck Guy had been trying to strike gold in the same way, licensing Curly the Fry as an even cheaper version of a slinky, Gummy the Bearcat as a bar of soap and King Toasty as a pad of sticky notes. All failed and cost the family hundreds of thousands of dollars. To get his mind off his troubles, Chaz plays badminton, watches female UFC fights and goes on rides across the bridge with his friends.




Dalton was really good at pogo sticks and was climbing the ladder of the pogo stick underworld when a bear tragically and suddenly robbed him of his life, and his future as the most recognized pogo-stickist in the world. He probably could escape had his pogo stick not been in the shop getting a tune up on the very day the bears took over.



Seth, the Bitter Bicyclist

Seth had just been staring down a guy who was walking casually in the bike lane, picking his nose and talking on his cell phone as if it were a sidewalk, looking off at the trees and not paying Seth any mind. Seth was staring into this man with the red hot hate of a thousand demons, imagining his family weeping at his closed casket funeral, their cries in the pits of hades for their son’s breech of the social contract between bicyclists and pedestrians to stay on the sidewalk and not use the bike lane as their own personal zombie/dufus/nose picking/chitter chatter cellphone/walking trail. Seth was considering teaching this man a lesson and riding directly into him. Seth could suffer a few broken bones, road rash, a bent tire. Anything to make an example of this scofflaw and his complete disregard for HIS lane and the clearly painted white line. Seth pedaled faster. He was going to do it. He was going to, but then he got eaten by a bear.


Read more stupid character bios here.

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